I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
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