I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
