I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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