i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
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Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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