Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
