Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
