My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
