How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
