don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
