I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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