I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Randomize
