Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
not ubering you a puppy
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
