Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
