so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
