I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You ruined the universe
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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