when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
