Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
