Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
