I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
