I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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