What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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