Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
