In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
