Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
