I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
