i need an iv and a liver transplant
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
