went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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