There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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