my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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