there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
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Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
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Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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