i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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