at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
