Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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