I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
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