PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
