His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
