you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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