Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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