I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
