Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
