Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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