Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
