Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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