Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
