Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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