i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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