I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
