yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
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