I met the friendliest cop last night
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
