Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
This baby is an asshole
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
