just survived the first fart of the relationship.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
