you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She even gives head with a lisp.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
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Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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