hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
