11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
