im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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