Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize