why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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