they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Randomize
