i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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