im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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