the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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