I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
