So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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