he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
