Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
