A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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